Memoirs of the Healing Process

I pray for my mom to give me strength every time I go back to researching the featured person for my healing art project. I even pray for her guidance and wisdom to allow fate to take my heart and soul and let it guide my art. On August 1st, I began to sketch out the featured person for the first time. So far, it has taken me more than once to sketch him for the next step. I have the reference and even attached the photographer’s who created the reference (Because I’m not the kind of person to plagiarize) in photoshop. I know that people will question me: why not just use photoshop to trace him over? Wouldn’t that be the easiest route for you? Well, I wish to continue to exercise my mind and processing skills so I can grow my still life skills. I feel that there is a purpose to take a fine art route in this process.

I do recall that as I sat down in the Hookah Lounge to begin to sketch this ‘person’, I spoke to myself, “Alright dude, it is finally time to draw you. I now release you from my mind into the world.” Right at that moment, it dawned on me when I said the word “Release”, it was going to become more than what I originally thought.

You see, since early 2014, I wanted to be a storyteller for animation films, however, the majority of people like Jennifer Yuh Nelson, Pete Docter, and Brad Bird to name a few have obtained a fine arts degree in an art school to get to where they were. Unfortunately for me, I would have to graduate from Otterbein first before I went to obtain a degree in an art school. Since I began my journey to pursue animation, I had this idea that what I can release from my soul would be not just an inspiration for this featured person for my project, but a thank you note for helping me find out what I wanted to do in my life. I had visuals in motion for 3D animation that I hoped would come true, however, by 2019, I pitched the idea for my thesis and it was declined. My thesis pitch was too long for the time allotted to complete it. My 3D professor, Dr. Baker mentioned that the best work that gets people jobs and opportunities can be as little as a minute, even 20 seconds can get someone’s foot in the door.

By 2020, I dreamed that I could land an apprenticeship at Disney or somewhere similar, but then the pandemic hit and my skills just weren’t qualified at the time. So now what? My revised thesis wasn’t as prominent as I hoped so what was the next step?

I believed in fate.

By the time I was graduating from the Columbus College of Art and Design, Terra Galleries was looking for 3D artists for an Augmented Reality project that they wish to release to the public. What is Augmented Reality (AR)? Such a term stands for bringing a still life to life; whether it was through 2D or 3D animation. Once I got ideas on what the owner, Jeffery Hersey, pitched for a few fine art pieces at the gallery, it gave me an idea. I knew what I could do to continue my quest of releasing a thank you note to this ‘person’ through this form of art.

Then life got difficult, my skills were more fixated towards projects for the gallery as well as keeping in touch with my terminally ill mother. The pandemic became harder for me financially that I worked extra hard at multiple jobs just so I can prove to my family that I can support myself. No matter how much time went by, I awaited the day when I had the tools and skills to embark on this personal project.

Fast Forward, it was November 2021 and I learned right after Thanksgiving that my mother was moving into Hospice. After reviewing the skills that I already obtained and the technology that I invested in, I looked deeper in why I’m waiting this long to work on this personal project? The character this featured person voiced symbolized grief, and the film that character was in focused on the grieving process of losing a loved one. Right at that moment, I knew that I was meant to begin this project after my mom passed away. This project to me wouldn’t be as raw and real until I have experienced the grieving process myself. Moving forward, I continued to prepare my skills until that moment came.

June 2022 comes around, it was less than four months since mom passed away and I continued to grow and flourish as an animator even though I was grieving. Something in the wind gifted me a sense of urgency, telling me it’s time. I have grown, I have struggled, and I’ve overcome so many obstacles to get to this moment in my life.

I was ready to make this dream project a reality.

This project grew from modeling in Blender, to preparing the person’s film character for animation, to composing music, singing, and the fine art portion of the AR project. Right at the moment when I started to sketch the featured person in still life. I have come to understand that this project is more than a project; it’s the big picture out of the different forms of art that shaped my own development as a person. I have struggled, suffered, and endured a number of hardships in these last few years. This project is a story of how I have overcome these obstacles to become the person and artist that I am. My dreams of being not just a 3D artist/animator, but a musician, singer, and actress have been hiding this whole time.

My mom used to tell me I should write everything down if I’m dealing with difficult situations so I can process information crucial for my growth and harmony.

She was right.

The person I want to thank so badly has been released from my thoughts onto paper, onto the fine art portrait. His film character that has given him such a powerful heart and soul is now released on the computer to animate, the music that I have developed in thought is now releasing onto the piano into EastWest Sound. My musical journey as a singer is releasing recordings at a studio to shape my journey.

My hard work is finally paying off.

Heck, these memoirs are releasing all my analogies to the screen; it’s so amazing that it feels so unreal.

Finally, I’m releasing my dreams out into the world, my voice ready to be heard, and ready to be somebody.

Can I be honest with you?

Wouldn’t you believe that I thought I could live up to an unrealistic expectation without even knowing it?

Well I have, there’s a story behind it…

So I started this project titled The Healing Process on June 20th, 2022, which tells a tale of what it took to create an Augmented Reality project just to prove to myself that I’m an artist worthy of acceptance.

Based on the effort it took to make the visions and music a reality, I knew I was an artist from the beginning.

Since the first time my late mom introduced me to the Disney and Dreamworks movies in the 1990s, I was fascinated by the stories each movie told. The two movies that I was truly invested in were The Hunchback of Notre Dame and The Lion King. Every day that my mom would drive me to and from the YMCA for gymnastics class and daycare after preschool, she would play the Disney soundtracks on the tape player in our 1992 GMC Suburban. Through the music, it took me into a world where I can visualize the characters singing their part in motion and even imagining ideas that may not be like the repertoire they sang; isn’t that strange?

In that early age of using my imagination, I would lose myself in the music with limitless creativity; synchronizing the mood of each musical movement with how the visuals captivated my attention. My mom once told me that I was a unique human being who would stare into the void without any explanation; that would explain what I looked like when I was envisioning visuals through music.

As I aged, so did my ability to create complex characters based on cartoons, video games, and movies. Three unique animated projects inspired my growth in character development. The video game that motivated me to better myself as a fine artist: Sonic Adventure, Teen Titans for the character development, then Naruto for the timeless growth of the characters that helped inspire people who were outcasted or ostracized like me who struggled to belong in society..

I was known to be gifted in music in comparison to the vast world where I created characters and stories of my own in reality. The reason I chose music over art and animating in my younger years was because of the bullying and discouragement it brought. Even though I focused on music and going to college for it, my other joy in art grew with it, but in secret.

About halfway through Otterbein University, I recall riding down to South Carolina for Thanksgiving playing Kung Fu Panda on my laptop with my mom being the driver. There was something about that movie that brought my mom joy and laughter, and very few animated movies could pull that off. On the way back, my mom had to stay behind due to a car accident and I had to ride back with my dad and his brother instead. I was watching Kung Fu Panda 2 at the time, and those envisions of what stories could grow from that movie spawned; heck those ideas entertained me throughout the rest of the ride home. Soon after,  I researched the people that made that movie exist and learned through its director, Jennifer Yuh Nelson of how alike she was to me.

Jennifer drew stories in her early life like me. I thought I was the only one that could do such a thing.

When I got home, I researched more into the people that created animated features that I liked. Monsters Inc. was the next movie to revisit because well, I couldn’t stop watching the second disc of the DVD to see how the artists created that feature. The director in that film, Pete Docter had a similar social uniqueness like me. Yes we were artists, but to me, reading his history reflected my entire childhood on how ostracized we were as people.

For the first time, I felt like I belonged somewhere; somewhere where I can thrive in imagination with people like me.

Because of amazing artists like Jennifer Yuh Nelson and Pete Docter, I felt that I had something to offer to the world. Music alone would not make me truly happy; like my childhood, I can’t hear music without visuals nor see visuals without music.

So how about it? What if I could offer the world music and animation working in harmony like no other?

The final year of Otterbein University happened and as I was asked to finish my degree before pursuing animation, I started to feel a disconnect with my true purpose as a storyteller.

I want to write stories and compose music, but why?

I didn’t know until after I saw Big Hero 6.

I was on tumblr to gain perspective from people that write how they perceive characters and their development in stories that I follow; Naruto being a major subject.

I searched Big Hero 6 on Tumblr because there was something about that film that felt special to me for a reason but I couldn’t pinpoint why.

Then a Tumblr post of a youtube video with Daniel Henney appeared.

Whatever that video did by just listening to an experience I heard from no other voice actor/actress, it gave me a perspective.

And then…

A disconnection connected itself and now I can feel the happiness, the anger, the sadness and suffering from the people around me. People told me that the term used for that is called empathy.

I then understood what it meant to be a storyteller; and it made me want to be a storyteller so much more..

The journey to prove myself to be an extraordinary storyteller leading up to producing The Healing Process ended up having its own story. I thought I could finish The Healing Process project within a few months, but it wasn’t possible. I thought that project would finish before my birthday nine months later, but it still didn’t happen.

I still kept going though.

Every time I would get out of work, I would focus all my energy and time into moving the production forward. On average, I would be spending 4-6 hours on everything it took to create a one-person narrative; holding nearly all positions in the animation chairs to make it happen.

However, I went through multiple hardships as well.

I battled grieving over the loss of my mom as well as the toxic habits I developed from the work environments I endured and learned to teach myself to not carry it into my project. There were times where I have fallen, got hurt, and failed. However, in a short time, I got back up, keeping my dream alive.

Without the limitless imagination I had visually and musically, I wouldn’t feel alive. Without a dream, I wouldn’t have had a purpose.

My mom always told me that I could persevere through anything that seemed impossible.

As always, she was right..

The Healing Process is not a project worthy of its title without dealing with the healing process itself. I can’t force myself to heal and move on; I had to be patient and to trust the process.

In the end, I have faith that it will all be worth it.

If the project ever gets published, I expect criticism and grow from it. Whatever the outcome will be, I know that I will be satisfied in some way.

The reason I created The Healing Process and The Heart and Soul of an Actor was to not only close a chapter in my journey of how I became an artist, but to find closure.

In the end, I hope that this journey will make me feel satisfied with my care.